A young lover that I will always have time for, where it be on the phone or in an email had arranged to see me a few months ago. Leading up to our date, he expressed delight and excitement of my arrival into his home town and was eager to see me again. Before we had arranged a play date, we kept in touch and it was during that time that he did confide in me about having the blues but didn’t know why. I recommended he see a professional to understand and perhaps diagnose if he was suffering from what seems like anxiety as well as depression.
Early on in life, I went through having two very good friends of mine committing suicide whilst on anti-depressant medication. Both were on different types but it still gave the same result. Hence I am weary about medicating to treat depression. So I told him if he ever felt funny, sad or confused to just call me, even if it’s just to say hello or talk about something else.
The night of our date he arrived with smiles and giggles and we feasted on cupcakes and chocolates. Then suddenly it was as if our date did a big belly flop when out of nowhere he just broke down. Confused, he kept saying to me he didn’t know why he was feeling weird and almost sick. I knew straight away they were early signs of a panic attack and I tried my best to calm him down. Home and familiar surroundings was the best thing for him in the end so I convinced him to cut our date short and to rest up at home.
A few months later I met another young man whom I also became quite fond of, again very young, but he did admit he was going through therapy and taking medication to help treat his condition. I wasn’t too sure what it was and I respectfully didn’t ask, but I am positive it too had strings attached to depression.
I loved the time we spent together, it was relaxing and peaceful, no stress at all and I will always remember such magical moments such as his gorgeous golden four legged friend laying between us in bed snuggling and snoring.
It was whilst we were watching a movie in bed cuddled up close when I felt his body harden up. I knew something was up but he wouldn’t admit it and claimed everything was fine even though I could see it clearly wasn’t but he refused to let me know what he was going through.
What followed was tiny bouts of anger, orders for me to pack up and go and then silence. I went out to find a fragile soul, broken, shivering in tears uncontrollably. All I could do was to be there, and let him know that I was there and that he will be ok.
It pains me to know that there are so many others who suffer in silence. Who seek the company of escorts as a means to a temporary feel good. A moment in time where there is care, compassion, company, and no loneliness or the opportunity to allow negative thoughts in one’s mind to fester. Negative feelings that could eat a person up, bring them to the point of it being so painful and unbearable that a cut or a slice or a stab could give the release they so desperately need.
I am not sure what the moral of this article is. There isn’t one. I suppose I wanted to give my side of the story on how I feel when I come across depression. it is fast becoming a serious illness in society especially amongst young men.
I have a brother who has constant thoughts about suicide but no one knows except for me. And my dear dear lovers who could very well be thinking the same, or who live in fear and helplessness, I just wish I could find them their rainbow.
My dear lover whom I mentioned before, the passionate devourer of cupcakes. He brought warmth into my heart during an icy cold night when i received a text from him. As I read the SMS filled with such positivity, I couldn’t help but smile. He thanked me for being there and understanding rather than judging.
That gives me hope that one day other lovers who go through such pain, and my brother whom I worry about all the time will too send me a text or email with the same vibrance.
My cup-cake eating lover, you are always in my thoughts, and it brings me such joy to know that you possibly could have found your rainbow.